They were whispering in their room.
It was too low. I couldn’t even make out anything above a muffle.
I looked at my watch. How long had they been there? Almost two hours?
I took my ear off the door and sighed. Chewing on my hangnail I paced back and forth in the hallway.
What were they talking about?
Why was the door locked?
Whatever they were saying, they didn’t want me to hear.
Why didn’t they want me to hear?
Wasn’t I their girlfriend now?
Isn’t that what we concluded last week?
Isn’t it?
So why the fuck am I having an anxiety attack?
I shook my hands to release all the negative vibes as I walked back and forth.
It’s fine.
This is fine.
I whirled to the door. No it’s not fine! Their sneaking behind my back—-
I grabbed my face and screamed internally!
What the hell was wrong with me?
I rushed back into my room and closed my door quietly. Taking deep breaths as I stared around the room.
“We can make this work. Let’s make this work.” I muttered in annoyance. This was not working. It wasn’t. We were at a standstill.
“Then go fucking ask her since she’s all that matters!”
No Joseph, I am not all that matters, not at all. You know why, cause Marcel hasn’t fucked me in a week. He has smiled and kissed and hugged me but he hasn’t penetrated me.
I’m craving him and he’s gone into silent mode.
Fuck him!
I sat on the edge of my bed, practically heaving. Just two days ago, his studio was actually locked. Actually fucking locked.
I buried my face.
Was Joseph aware of how much power he held? Did he know Marcel fucking fed off his emotions? Always tiptoeing around him?
I hated Joseph too.
My fucking golden angel was annoying as fuck.
Fuck them.
Fuck them for making me so fucking….insecure! I groaned and rushed to the closet again.
One week of being their girlfriend is not how I pictured this going down.
I was going to get high blood pressure for sure.
I stuffed some clothes into the bag and grabbed a couple pair of underwear.
I hate boys.
I hate them so much.
Let them be together and care only about themselves. I didn’t give a fuck. FUCK THEM!
I grabbed the bag and tossed my phone on my bed angrily.
“I’m not going to fucking tell you where I’m at either Marcel Remy Duchamp.” I sneered.
I turned and rushed out my room. But quietly and stealth like a ninja. I paused at their bedroom door. They were still there. I could still hear the muffled talking.
I didn’t care. I didn’t care anymore.
I went downstairs. Grabbed my keys and left. Quietly closing the door behind me.
**
3 days later
“Lee this is the best fucking idea ever!” Lady turned and lifted the cucumber off her eyes.
I giggled tipsily as I sipped on maybe my 6th mimosa. I don’t know, it was 10:00 am. I’d been drunk for the better part of two days.
“I needed to get off that main island.” I put the drink down. “Then I remember your cousin always was like if we need a getaway, he knew this place where them rich ass folks rented beach houses and barely occupied them.”
“Heaven Lee. It’s called heaven.”
I laughed and stretched my body out.
Face masks and naked tanning on the patio of the vacant beach house was my idea of a vacation.
A much needed vacation away from those two headaches.
“Honestly Lee, you have it made.”
I shook my head. “You can have them. I hate them. They’re talking behind my back and shit and doing all these other stuff, making me feel left out, making me feel like----” I trailed off getting emotional. “I don’t know.”
Lady ate her other cucumber and grabbed her mimosa. “What do you want Lee?”
“I don’t know.”
“No, no don’t tell me that bullshit. What do you want?” She insisted. “Like really, really want. Not what Marcel wants, not what Joseph wants. Not what will make them happy or like you. What do you want fucking want bitch?” she asked drinking heartily.
I sighed heavily and picked up my mimosa. “Honestly, honestly?”
“Honestly, honestly.”
I swallowed hard. Come on Lee. Say it. “I want to fuck Marcel without feeling guilty about it.” I downed my mimosa and stretched out the glass for her to serve me from the pitcher.
“There you go.”
“I want him to stop pandering to Joseph’s feelings all the fucking time cause it makes me feel left out.”
“Speak it.”
“I want Joseph to fucking love me too!” I exclaimed. “Why doesn’t he love me? Why am I a fucking threat?” I yelled. “Marcel fucking loves him so much, how am I threat?!”
“Maybe Marcel doesn’t love him as much----”
“No.” I cut of Lady. “Marcel loves him.” I whispered. “Like, loves, loves him.”
“How do you know?” Lady asked. “He’s all up your punani, all lovey dovey and shit with you. Things change. Feelings change.”
I sighed and stared off.
“So like you and Joseph are like the real deal huh?” I asked as we dug our feet into the sand.
Marcel grinned and stared off at the sea. The wind blowing his wavy hair all over his head. “Yeah.” He leaned back and turned his body to me. Propping himself up. “He’s my soulmate.”
My heart jumped. Soulmate? “Wow...that’s a big. “ I giggled. “How do you know?”
Marcel smiled softly, his eyes seemingly staring off to a memory in the past. “I just knew when I saw him on that stage. It was like an instant connection. I just....” Marcel sat up and tilted his head to me. The smile on his face was so adorable, it created butterflies in my stomach. “It was so surreal, you know.”
No, no, I didn’t know. I smiled back.
I watched him run his fingers through his hair. Pushing it back and away from his face.
“There was just this bond. He understands me.” Marcel whispered. “Like truly. He might not agree with everything I say or do but he understands.”
I nodded.
“He’s sweet and caring and he loves so hard.” Marcel chuckled. “He makes sure I don’t fall off the face of the earth and I keep him grounded. We complement each other.” Marcel shifted his eyes to me. He licked his bottom lip. “Look, Eloise, I know Joseph can be....much.” He chuckled. “Gets frantic and emotional and...petty.”
“Oh really?” I shrugged. “I couldn’t tell.”
Marcel laughed as he shook his head. “But that’s just because he’s battling his own demons.” Marcel nudged me. “Give him time.”
I hugged myself as the breeze passed through us.
Marcel smiled and stared back at the endless sea. “When I opened the door that day Eloise...I knew.”
“You knew what?” I whispered.
He chuckled, his green eyes looking me over.” I knew.” He whispered. He grabbed my hand. “Come on, let’s go. I’m going to France tomorrow for a couple days and didn’t finish packing. Keep Joseph out of trouble yeah?”
“Lee?”
I turned to Lady. “I know. Joseph’s his soulmate.” I brought the mimosa to my lips and chugged the entire refilled glass.
“Look babes.” Lady sat up. “You care too much about pleasing other people that you don’t even give a fuck about yourself.”
“That’s not true.”
“If you want to fuck Marcel, fuck Marcel!”
I sighed.
“If you want Joseph to love you, talk to him! Hang with him like you used to!”
I groaned.
“But don’t fucking force something that is not there! Bitch don’t!” Lady shook her head. “Marcel and Joseph are two different people.” She reached out and took my hand. “Have you ever maybe stopped to think that you’re not connecting with Joseph because you’re treating him as an extension of Marcel?”
I opened my mouth in confusion. “No---I’m not....”
“Or maybe.” Lady shrugged. “I mean I don’t know about polyamorous couples, but maybe....maybe you’re not supposed to love them same way.”
I sat up and turned to her in surprise.
“The way you love Marcel does not have to be the way you love Joseph.” Lady shrugged. “And vice versa.”
I looked down at the ground.
“And bitch stop trying to get Marcel to love you the way he loves Joseph. You ain’t Joseph!”
**
I grabbed my duffle bag and wiggled my fingers at Lady.
“Call me if anything comes up okay.” She stuck her head out the cab.
I giggled, slightly tipsy. “I will. It’ll be fine.”
She blew me a kiss and I waved as the cab continued on.
Taking a deep breath I turned to the gorgeous house and slowly made my way up the stairs. Here goes nothing.
I pulled out my keys, looking for the right one when the front door swung open.
I stumbled back in surprise, staring into those unearthly green eyes. I straightened up. “Hey.”
I jumped back as Marcel slammed the door in my face. “OH my god!” I clutched my chest
“Marcel what the fuck? What’s wrong!” I heard from inside.
I was too scared to open the door and waited as I heard footsteps. The door opened back up and Joseph looked out cautiously.
It might have been my surprise or it was the alcohol making me think he looked relieved to see me.
“Lee.” He smiled and opened the door wider. “Lee you’re back.”
“You don’t have to pretend like you’re happy about that.” I walked through the opened door and past him. It was the alcohol loosening my tongue.
“Lee...”
By God, he actually sounded hurt.
“Lee where were you?” Joseph asked closing the door. He walked up to me, his hands coming up to caress my shoulders softly. “You left your phone. You didn’t call. Text. We were so worried about you.”
I shook his hand away. “Were you Joseph? Were you really?” I questioned. I walked past him and up the stairs.
I was angry again. So angry. My emotions boiling over. My stomach hurting, my chest in pain. I wanted to scream.
My three day vacation seemed to fly from my mind.
I looked up as Marcel stood on the top step staring down at me. His jaws locked, his body tense.
I didn’t say anything as I passed him, our shoulders brushing.
I was in pain. So much pain. But at the moment, I had forgotten what it was I had intended on telling them. I was hurting and now angry. Their emotions radaiting off me.
“You need to call your mother Eloise.”
I turned back around in surprise. “Why do I need to call my mother?”
Joseph rushed up the stairs. “We didn’t know where you were.” He explained. “Your phone was here. Lady wasn’t picking up. Her brother didn’t know where you guys were. Nobody had seen you two in days. We panicked. I even called Tyler Crenshaw.”
“You called Tyler?” I exclaimed in disbelief. “You called my mother?”
“SHE WAS YOUR FUCKING EMERGENCY CONTACT!” Marcel yelled.
I’m not going to lie, I took a couple steps back in fear.
“Hey! Hey!” Joseph grabbed Marcel’s collar and pulled him back. “Relax. She’s here.”
Marcel wrung himself away from Joseph’s hold and turned to me. His hazel eyes blazing. “You are so fucking inconsiderate.” He whispered in a calm voice. “So fucking-----uuugghh.” He squeezed his hands in a fist and moved Joseph out the way. He jogged down the stairs and out of sight.
Fuck. What had I done?
Joseph turned to me after looking down at Marcel. “Don’t worry about him. He just needs to cool off. Are you okay? Call your mom okay----”
“STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT ME!” I cried tears streaming down my face. Tears from the emotions that had been building up these past couple days, tears from the alcohol, tears from Marcel’s emotional outburst.
Joseph’s mouth dropped open in shock. His blue eyes watering.
Embarrassed I turned and ran to my room. I gasped and locked the door. Unable to stop crying. I dropped to the ground shaking. I tried to wipe my face as I looked around my room.
My phone was now on my desk and I rushed to it. My mom was going to fucking kill me.
I took a deep breath as I held the phone to my ear. “Mom....”
“WHAT THE FUCK ELOISE? WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT’S GOING ON? WHY ARE THERE BOYS CALLING MY PHONE SAYING YOU’RE MISSING! WHO IS JOSEPH? WHO IS MARCEL? ARE YOU LIVING WITH MEN!!! GROWN MEN! ELOISE PERRY GRADY I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME!”
**
I guess I had fallen asleep because I felt gentle hands rubbing my shoulder.
I groaned and turned around.
Joseph was sitting on my bed.
I sat up. “What?”
“You missed dinner.” He said pointing to the tray on my side table. “You gotta eat.” He pointed to the three slices of cheese pizza. “Extra cheesy.” He cracked a smile.
I turned my back to him and laid back down. “I’m not hungry.”
He sighed and rubbed my back. “Lee, why did you leave like that?”
“I told you, stop acting like you care.” I spoke, even though my heart hurt to say so. “If Marcel told you to come check on me, you don’t have to. I’m a big ass girl.”
Joseph was silent for a while as I waited for him to leave. Finally the bed moved as he stood up. “Marcel didn’t tell me to come check up on you.” He replied softly.
I heard his footsteps towards the door and then stopped. “Lee......”
I waited but he sighed and opened the door and walked out.
Satisfied that the door had closed. I sat back up. And grabbed the tray. My ass was hungry. My hands faltered as I saw the sticky note with the goofy smiley face next to the plate.
-talk?
He’d written on the bottom.
Tears resurrected as I bit down into the delicious pizza. I cried because it tasted so good. But I was so sad.
**
I had been so up in my feels, I’d created a rift.
And it had torn through the entire house.
2 days of silence. I mean I knew their schedule front and back. I timed it so I didn’t have to talk to them. I didn’t have to see them. I stayed late at work and then hung out with Lady. I came in the dead of night.
The only person I bumped into was Joseph, who surprisingly was still making smoothies for both of us. I would see Marcel’s cup of coffee untouched, 2 days in a row.
I must not have been the only one avoiding.
We live in the same house, but I hadn’t seen not one trace of him. Not even a lingering smell.
I came downstairs and was surprised to see Joseph still there.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning.” I whispered back. He was late. Why wasn’t he already gone?
“I added uhm papaya this week. I got it for a good price at the market. Do you like it?” He asked pouring two cups of the smoothie. He pushed my cup forward.
I nodded but couldn’t meet his eyes. “Yeah, it’s good. Thanks.” I took the cup.
Joseph cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “Uhm...i’m surprised you haven’t called a team meeting.” He chuckled. “Uhm...were you going to do that today? You know get us talking.....”
I shook my head and he trailed off.
Joseph swallowed hard. “Lee, look I’m sorry for what I said last week. What the fuck is wrong with me? I didn’t mean to hurt you. When I’m mad, I say stupid shit----”
“You say what you mean.” I spoke up lifting my eyes at him.
Joseph shook his head. “No, I say what I think will hurt the other person more.” He sighed. “I did it with my sisters all the time. Lee can we please--”
“I gotta go to work.” I cut him off. I left the half drunk smoothie and walked away.
Now before you think I’m being dramatic.
I felt like shit.
Like complete and utter shit.
How had my life literally done a complete 180? My mind was murky. I’d fucked up. I’d fucked up so bad and I felt lik a puddle of diaherria.
How was it that Joseph was the one reaching out.
And I had yet to see Marcel?
Is that what threw me off course?
**
“Can you just talk to Lee please?”
“I don’t want to talk to her.”
“Marcel---marcel---marcel---”
I heard the studio door slam. I quickly made my way up the stairs. Looking over the railing, Joseph appeared below his hands on his hips. He looked around in frustration and sighed heavily.
I walked slowly to my room. He didn’t care. He didn’t care. He didn’t want to talk to me. He didn’t want to talk to me. Fine. FINE! I wasn’t going to talk to him either.
**
I wanted to talk to him.
It has been 6 days. I hadn’t seen him. Yesterday I even called in late just to catch him in the kitchen.
Nothing.
I mean, I knew Marcel was upset and I knew he was stubborn but to this extent?
I mean three days ago, I was more than ready to apologize. My tantrum was over.
I couldn’t hold grudges, as much as I tried.
Not at all. Even if I wanted to hold it, my brain wouldn’t let me.
I hated people being mad at me or upset about something I did. I couldn’t help it. It was ingrained in me.
They couldn’t stay mad at me for too long. It fucked with my mind.
So I walked down to the kitchen Saturday morning. Joseph was on his laptop with a plate of toast and tea at the table.
“Joseph, I’m sorry.”
He looked up in surprise. “Lee....wha---what are you----Lee you don’t have to apologize for anyth---”
I shook my head. “No I do. I do have to.” I sighed. “It was inconsiderate of me to leave you guys hanging for three days without any information on my whearabouts. For being so rude to you and....” Tears started to fall down my face.
Joseph stood up quickly and wiped my face. “Hey, hey stop that. Stop.” He wiped my tears with his thumbs. “I hate sad Lee, upset Lee, silent treatment Lee...” He smiled softly. “Please, God....I said some fucking horrible shit, that I know you heard and....I’m sorry.”
I cried and lowered my head.
Joseph pulled me tightly into a hug. “Lee, I’m an asshole okay. I don’t mean half the shit I say, please know that.” He kissed the top of my head. He lifted my chin and wiped my face, his own eyes filled with tears. To my surprise he bent his head and kissed me softly. “You forgive me?” He whispered against my lips.
I nodded and closed my eyes as he kissed me again. Wrapping his arms around me. I held him tight. My heart racing.
Joseph, thank you.
He smiled and nibbled my bottom lip. “Come, sit, let me get you breakfast.” He released me and made his way to the kitchen. “Man, this feels so much better. The week was shit. So much shit.” he chuckled.
I turned in my seat to face him. “I uhm....I don’t think I can be y’alls girlfriend.” I whispered.
Joseph dropped the cup to the floor, the ceramic breaking.
“Joseph are you okay?” I exclaimed shooting up.
“Yeah, yeah.... ”He shook his head. “Lee, what are saying. I mean we’re ----” He moved quickly and grabbed the dustpail and broom. “Look all couples go through shit. Okay don’t break up with us. It’ll be fine.”
“Are you saying that because you want that or because you think that’s what Marcel wants?” I asked.
Joseph froze as he stared at me in despair.
“Break up with us, I don’t give a fuck.”
I turned my head to the calm voice by the doorway.
6 days I hadn’t seen him.
He looked the same. Tousled hair, baggy paint stained pants, he wasn’t wearing a shirt.
I took a deep breath.
But those hazel eyes looked past me as he continued down the entry way.
At his exit I turned my head back to the table.
That hurt, that hurt so much.
“You know I was thinking, I’ve only dated guys.” Joseph spoke up brightly. “I think that’s the problem. You, Lee are the perfect girl to date----”
“I’m not hungry.” I stood up cutting him off. “Sorry.” I turned quickly and made my way out the kitchen.
“Lee!” Joseph called out.
I turned around.
“He didn’t mean that.” Joseph insisted. “Really, he didn’t, don’t be upset. Look why don’t you bring him coffee---” I turned and exited the kitchen before he could finish. I raced up to my room for safety, to compose myself. To not let those fucking tears fall.
2 hours later I received a text from Joseph.
Living room. Now.
I stared in confusion at the command. Joseph was not an aggressive typer. This text was not like him at all.
I sighed and climbed off the bed. I mean the text seemed urgent.
I went downstairs and sure enough Joseph was there, pacing around the living room, rubbing his arm. His eyes lit up when he saw me. “Lee!” He exclaimed.
I smiled softly at him.
“I hope you don’t mind that I took your spot as meeting caller.”
I shook my head and made my way to the couch.
Joseph took a deep breath and looked behind him. He turned back and sat across from me. He put his hand outs out. “Lee, this is weird, okay. This is very weird and I don’t like it and let’s fix this okay.”
I nodded slowly.
He smiled. “Good.” he licked his lip and straightened up.
I watched him, the way his blond hair laid perfect even though he ran his fingers through his hair. The intense blue of his eyes. The perfect shape of those pink lips. He smiled at me and I felt myself warm-up.
I smiled back and looked away.
I could feel Joseph’s eyes on me still, so I looked back up at him. He was running his thumb across his bottom lip and the look in his eyes caused me to shift slightly a small pulse radiating between my legs.
Joseph reached over and put his hand on my knee. His fingers creating a jolt of sensation to reach my toes.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Was I touch starved?
“Why did you disappear that day Lee?” He asked.
I shrugged. “Maybe cause I felt like I didn’t really belong.”
He shook his head. “Come on Lee, Marcel is in love with you---”
“And you’re in love with Marcel and Marcel is also in love with you.” I cut him off. “And you don’t want me to be in love with Marcel and you’re not in love with me.” I shook my head. “I was being stupidly optimistic.” I chuckled. I lifted my eyes to Joseph. “Let’s be honest, we both know I was always in this to fuck Marcel. I would have liked to get you in the mix to for fun.” I shrugged. “But...It was all mostly so I could ride your boyfriend.”
Joseph sat back slowly and rubbed his chin.
“So what’s this meeting supposed to be for?” I asked unemotionally.
Joseph chuckled. “That’s the first honest thing you’ve said in a long time, Eloise Perry Grady.” Joseph whispered, looking me up and down slowly. His eyes lingering on my lips. He licked his own and caught my eye.
What the? WHat the what what was going on here? Why was my body reacting so strongly to this? Was he flirting? Was-----Jesus Lee, get yourself together. This isn’t about you and your touch starved hormones. You don’t see Marcel for a couple days and you’re ready to jump Joseph. You are not a loyal bitch, not a loyal bitch at all.
I looked away.
Seeing me look away. Joseph also averted his eyes. He sighed and stood up. “Where the fuck is he?”
I looked up.
Joseph left the living room and made his way to the studio.
“Marcel? Marcel!” I heard him banging on the door.
“What the fuck? COme on----open the door! What----Marcel---don’t be a fucking ass!”
I hugged myself.
“I know you can hear me! Come out!”
I heard the doorknob shaking. Joseph groaned loudly. “Marcel----Mar.....”
I stood up as I heard Joseph stomp to the kitchen.
Curious I followed him out. “What are you looking for?”
“The spare.” Joseph replied looking through the drawers. He pulled out a tin box and rummaged through it. “Motherfucker.....” Joseph put the lid back on angrily.
He looked up at me and sighed. “He took the two spares.”
“He doesn’t want to talk to me.” I whispered.
Joseph shook his head and paced around nervously. “Lee, we need to get him out of that room.”
I stared at him, his anxious movements making me anxious. “Why? What’s going? Is he okay?”
Joseph rushed back down the hallway and I followed him, feeling my pulse race.
“Open this fucking door do you hear me! Open it Marcel! I swear to God!” I stared in shock as Joseph rambled off in French as he tried to yank the closed door open.
I looked around feeling useless. Why was Joseph panicking? Why was he reacting like this?
“Joseph?” I whispered softly.
The tall blond guy turned to me, breathing hard. “Lee, you think maybe you could---you could get him to open this door?” He pleaded moving back.
I shook my head, but Joseph pushed me forward. “Try.” He urged.
Feeling overwhelmed, I knocked. “Marcel?” I called out. “Marcel can you please open the door?” I waited to see if I could hear anything.
I swallowed hard. “Marcel, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving and not saying anything. I know you hate that. Look can we talk? Can you----” I tried the doorknob. “Can you open the door please?”
I turned to Joseph who nodded encouragingly. He ran his fingers frantically through his hair messing up the perfect golden mane.
I shook my head. “He’s not going to listen to me.”
Joseph came forward and banged angrily on the door. “Open this door Marcel or I swear to God!” He yelled.
I stepped back in surprise to Joseph heaving. He pressed his forehead against the door. “Please...please...open the door.” He begged in a whisper.
“Joseph, maybe we need to give him----”
“Marcel binges.” Joseph cut me off. “It’s rare, but he does it.”
My eyes widened.
“When he’s depressed.” Joseph panted. “If it’s more than a couple days and his room is constantly locked, he’s doing something.”
I gasped, my hand covering my mouth.
“That’s why I have two spares....two fucking spares!” Joseph turned and kicked the door angrily.
I rushed to the door and banged on it. “MARCEL REMY DUCHAMP YOU OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!” I yelled. “YOU FUCKING OPEN THIS DOOR!”
“Tell him you’re leaving.” Joseph stated.
“Marcel I swear I’m gone. You don’t open this door. I’m out!” Joseph yelled. He turned to me.
“I’m leaving too!” I shouted. “Because I cannot handle this bullshit!” I banged on the door. “Marc---”
I froze as the door swung open.
I took a step back.
“What?” He slurred.
I took another step back. I had never seen Marcel take drugs.
He looked disorientated as he stood before us shirtless and barefoot. His eyes were bloodshot. He smirked. “You two wanna leave then get the fuck out.” He chuckled.
“Jesus Christ.” Joseph muttered, pushing Marcel away from the door so he had control of it. “What did you take?”
“You’re not my fucking father Joseph.” Marcel’s hazel eyes were unable to focus as he nodded at Joseph.
I took a couple determined steps into the studio. My hand moved back before I knew it. Warm tears stung my eyes as my palm came forward and contacted with his cheek. His head whipping to the side.
“And you called me fucking inconsiderate!” I yelled. “What the fuck is this!”